The serenity in surviving!

So rightly here, the novel -“Into the wild” is the sperm donor in helping to the mind conceiving this tale -“the ability to think”. Indeed, the sperms were god speed!

As the Nature being the proudest mother of every single creature on the planet earth, she once wanted at least one of her children to know, feel and consider her love for being the mother of all. And it’s the reason if you ask me why she gave only the human being, that valuable gift- the ability to think.

With that gift, she could cast the humans rather uniquely who could listen to the music’s of bamboos; who could taste the sugariness of berries; who could smell the fragrances of flurry mud and who could feel the soul of love making.

Thus the human started life in the course of finding love and peace.

But the mind which was once programmed as a tool of thinking soon developed into a field of battle for thoughts and there is hardly ever a climate of peace, trouncing the nature’s gift.

As the mind grew without harmony, it slowly became inorganic but started inventing some remarkable sciences to comfort the newly found home- “the society” while on the other hand, it stopped discovering the mere feelings in the humans.

The inorganic mind could not function as the navigational system of humans, soon it failed to stay connected to the mother-the nature, so “the society” took every opportunity to become the sole guardian of humans.

It even penned down its own book of rules, contradicted to the counsel of the Mother Nature.

Money, power and fame were appointed as the ambassadors of the society by the society as against the Mother Nature’s love, compassionate and altruistic.

The ambassadors discovered themselves a food, called “business” to be everlastingly alive. The art, music and literature were not capable anymore to make the human souls to feel their senses, emotions and intellect, as the ambassadors were influential enough.

Life once was supposed to grow a soul but it became all about nurturing the society and its representatives.

The society found a game called “winning & losing” as it wanted the human to be the ambassador’s slaves so as to keep the human minds away from the Mother Nature’s love.

The added masalas of ego, selfishness, insecurity made the game very spicy.

The humans who found themselves in winning became greedy and arrogant while the others in the losing end started hating the life citing their fate. And everything else in the world has started evolving around the game. 

The mind started losing its ability of thinking, as it was baffled by the outcome of the game.

Humans started killing each other in the end of every game as their mind became no more but slaves to the ambassadors.

The inorganic mind ignored the little love and compassion among the humans and led the less fortuned humans to be tormented by the society gifted humans.

It was a shame that the society did not bless everyone with the same opportunity to fight against though.

The game led the human minds competing to find who were best in serving the ambassadors.

The humans made to forget the Mother Nature way of living. People forget that the real intellectual mind is the property that the Mother Nature reckons with.

Whomever the ambassadors blessed, they became the Gods and the rest became the beggars. . Some ten human were left to ash so as to let one human get whatever he desired.

The human mind did not believe that all humans are one!

The humans forgot the harmony of the rivers and mountains as they were slowly addicted to the drugs formulated by the ambassadors.

The society started building a home of abstraction, security and material excuses so the mind always felt insecure and never became satisfied with the life.

“Educating values of life” is what the human mind conspired but the society ultimately turned it as a tool to make money. Hence everyone was tortured for their living of egoism which became the mother of all cold feelings.

As the society led humans no where around with the Mother Nature, they blindly followed the religions to whichever they were exposed by the society merely created differences to riots. 

Humans did not mind shedding bloods and hurting others in order to get the recognition of the society.  

They started learning all the dirty tricks from animals about cruel preying and kindles seizing. The humans believed that the world was solely for him to live with.

The society taught the humans how to do murders and the same time made rules only to convict them. With every cell of the soul was failing, the organic mind was started bleeding in the fight of thoughts.

The society driven humans had spent their entire life acquiring resources as if they were goanna live for ever. They still did it in spite of the pain they had to suffer in doing so to just end up nowhere but in graveyard.

Even the death looked surprise to humans in the fastness of the living.

The human blamed his god for his pain without knowing that it is his greediness, selfishness and ego, seeded by the society.

Lately the humans pawned their mind to the society for a Win-Win strategy. And life became a fun part where there was no philosophy.

In the end the Mother Nature lost her children as the humans lost their minds unable to feel what is real and necessitate in Planet earth.

With the faded ability to think, the humans kept got what they wanted but sadly not what they needed just to live and die peacefully.
And the mother nature was started waiting for one day, someday to get back her child in her arms! until then, Its society way or no way!

with the elusive peace,
a human being in the name of Murugapandiyan P.

“Apple” of our “i”

I really was sunken in shock when i read the news of Steve Jobs quitting as the CEO of Apple Inc. But i did find my ­­­­heart urging me to swim in it so as to pen some thoughts of him before it gets washed off from my emotional mind only because i thought it is too inspirational to let off and if there is one motive for posting this blog here, it is for drawing some inspirations which is so vital to people like me who chases their dreams from nowhere. 

In reality, sometimes success does not seem to be big deal, providing the hard work & passion. Isn’t it? But seldom in the journey of life the success does take a toll when you are asked to address more than the hard work so as to keep walk towards the success and that’s where Steve comes and fit in, very naively.

To me, Steve is by far and large, a common man who just had steered a business all the way from his garage to the status of “the most valuable company in the world”. But just to do that, He had to survive himself every time the rejections, failures and fates intervened in his life. When I say the words-“rejections”, “failures” & “fates”, I really mean it, folks.  And I guess this is what separates the men from the boys in the bloodthirsty world.  

To articulate on rejections, it is extremely shocking to see how Steve took it when it had approached his life. Nowadays I have been kept telling that I should be pushed out of my comfort zone only to make a life so as to explore the more of real “me” which does lead to a great success. And in Steve’s case, he was exactly given this opportunity the moment he was born since his young & unwed biological mother decided to put him for adoption.

Steve was adopted by a working class parents whose whole savings were being spent on his tuition fees earlier which they could hardly afford some further. Steve decided to drop out of college after six months, citing the reason that his heart didn’t find any meaning in it. According to him, it was a very nervy period of his life. Although he dropped out after only one semester, he continued auditing classes, such as one in calligraphy, while sleeping on the floor in friends' dorm rooms, returning Coke bottles for food money, and getting weekly free meals at the local temple.

To me, if Steve hadn’t understood his heart well, it would have been not even easy to digest such thoughts that he was being adopted and kept for the very fighting of his basic needs. But all Steve cared about was his heart’s voice. He believed it against all odds and went on finding every complicated “event” in his early life as the “tools” that brings him near to his destiny.

In his Stanford speech, he was found saying, “If I had never dropped out of college, I would have never dropped in on that calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of Course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards 10 years later”. Fascinatingly, his heart was always positive about the way of life.

The thing I love most here is the fact that he dreamed big and bigger instead of faulting the tricky life he was offered earlier. In spite of those awful rejections, he still found himself on the cover page of TIME magazine before he turned just 27 and that explains his early success well.

But it was not only the rejections that he had to stop facing but there were some awful failures too as he opted a brash, abrasive, and rough edged path of life earlier. Apple computer was growing incredibly faster, since its dawn. But Steve was still the man of ordinary manners, it seems. In fact he was found his ex-girlfriend appearing claimed she was bearing his baby. There was a lot of perplexity around Steve’s behaviour as well. Even some of own team mates refused to work with him. At one stage, the ego and revenge taking manners of Steve ultimately led to a personnel war with Sculley, then CEO of Apple, saw Steve Job getting fired from his own company, the Apple.   

As like anybody, Steve was left devastated as he was ousted from the business what had been the focus of his entire adult life. He tried hard to find what he was going to do next. His life was in so much chaos that he even asked NASA if he could ride the space shuttle! He was struggling to save his public image as well. But it seems that Steve still loved what he did, though he had been fired. He decided to start over after a much of self discovery.

Soon afterward Jobs started a new computer company, NeXT Inc., and then slipped from public view for next five years. But at last fall he re-emerged as the NeXT was taken over by Apple Inc. and Steve was back for ever. But there were a handful of embarrassments and hard work there in the journey to overcome. Not to forget in this period is the Pixar animation studios, started only as his­­­­­ hobby, failed at least over nine times before becoming the single most successful animation studio in the world. And Steve never regretted for his mistakes as he once said, “we'll make a whole bunch of mistakes. That's what life is about. But at least they'll be new and creative ones”.

Though there were such big business successes afterwards, but the best possible thing that still happened due to his early failures were the crucial evolutions in Steve’s personal life. During these times, He found his biological family and happily started accepting his 9year old girl publicly. It sounded he became more stable in his relationships finally. There were some happiest times in his private life finally due to his change in attitudes, as he got married to his girlfriend what was a love at first sight which even cost him a crucial business meeting!

And the best thing is the Steve returning to the apple, when the deteriorating apple decided to take over the Steve’s NeXT. The optimistic Steve said in his notes as “Joining Apple full fills the spiritual reasons for starting NeXT”

Totally, it seems that nothing could stop him from trusting his heart in his life. And he started working like crazy in his second innings at apple to put the company back on track. With his rejuvenated attitudes and a lot of great team works, he made some “insanely” great products starting from iPod to iPad. According to Steve, hadn’t been he fired from apple, he would not have achieved the NeXT, the Pixar and of course, “the family” in his life.

It’s really hard to believe when Steve said that it’s only those “failures” that paved the way for these incredible successes of his life. But I guess it’s worth believing it, if you are a big believer of your heart. And that explains his upbeat approach of his life.

Steve still needed to outdo one more thing on the way to his destiny. And it was not the legal one, but medical one. It was the “fate” to pass next in line as if Steve had not had enough trials in his life from the masters of the “rejections” and “failures”. This time though he was sentenced to death by the incurable pancreatic cancer. So he had been given a limit of six month time to live for once and all in the character of Steve jobs.  But it seems nothing could subdue him in front of his desired heart which dramatically cured him from the kiss of death just through a surgery. And people called it as a miracle.

But yet again the fate extended its arm to stop Steve by pushing him for a liver transplant in 2009 afterwards trying very hard to bang him for once and all resulted in pushing him to leave the duty of iCEO. And this time Steve is fired by the “fate” itself as if the human beings will ever not be daring enough to oust him again from his empire. And it seems Steve still wanted only to learn from the fate rather than cursing it. In his Stanford speech, job said, “Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life”. Yeah! Honestly he made some big choices such as the one “the walkman of the digital age” iPods which has changed the way we all listen to music.

According to him, the death phenomenon actually helped him to avoid the trap of thinking that he has something to lose. The inspirational thing is he has done many wonders which made millions of lives so much easier by making technology that is seamless, intuitive, exciting and beautiful, though there was an aching fate he had to deal with. But like before, this time too his heart did its part very well to prevail in.

I am going to get personal here.  It’s really hard for me to put into words how much inspiration I draw from Steve. What make Steve so special for me is not his achievement in his carrier but the handling of those great glories and worse shames of him, all in one life perfectly. i love the fact that he did give respect to his heart even when he was diagnosed with cancer. The only & most valuable gift Steve got was of finding what he loved to do early in life. For him, all it matters was just listening to his heart only which helped him to achieve whatever he wanted.  And this is where the people like me are really struggling, to figure out what makes us truly happy. And some of us do find our dreams but don’t have the courage to follow it till the very end unlike the Steve who has just spent his life only through following his heart and intuitions which had been proved dead wrong many times in his life as well.

The message is loud and clear- all that matter is keep listening to our heart since it already knows what you will become in future. And there is no reason why we can’t dream bigger, saying that we have nothing to lose in this life as Steve said in his notes, “I think the things you most regret in life are things you didn't do. What you really regret was never asking that girl to dance”. And for him, it doesn't matter if you are a richest man in the cemetery but it is always going to bed at night saying you've done something wonderful that you love to do heartily. 

To end with, i am proud here to call Steve only as a humble human being so that the rest of human community in the planet earth will be honored by saying so and the rest is well explained with the tagline of the Apple Inc- “Think Different”.

With longing heart,

murugapandiyan p

P.S. It would be great if we can able to share our heart’s burning desires here so that we will add up more fuel in it with a lot of support and motivation from each of us. 

References:

http://allaboutstevejobs.com/blog/

http://www.lifeofexcellence.com/audio/SteveJobs_StandfordConvocationSpeech.pdf

The obscured codes

In the last few months, i guess, "Corruption and fasting" are the just two words that must have beaten the words “cricket and the world cup”, as far as the national news is concerned.

But corruption is not only about India or its politicians but a global phenomenon that we are facing at least for a last few decades.

Time and again, we shout at corruption, only when there is news like Bofors, 2G, CWG,etc, propping up in our morning newspaper.

Despite the awareness on anti corruption movement, corruptions woes keep on increasing year by year in India.

Interestingly, this time it has been a different story like never before, as there have been too many stunts made in the name of fasting so as to fight out corruption!! But unfortunately these stunts did forget to tell us one thing - “the law making alone may not solve the problem”.

I guess we all know the difference between the words punishment and solution.

Yeah it’s clear that an Anti-corruption law such as Lokpal will certainly catch the right crook at right time so as to tell the public “hey look, no one can escape from punishment here on”, given that the panel itself is not corrupted.

If we keep on shouting about the punishments and laws for the crime here, then it makes only tougher for the people especially youngsters to keep their faith any longer in the democracy or government, which in turn may not generate future leaders at all.

Now, decide which one sounds good, “shouting the slogans over the amount of money which has been bribed everyday or seeing you, being the solution for bribing?

I guess we generally like solutions rather than complaints to get away from problems forever.

And it sounds well when we talk about the root cause of the corruption rather than criminals and their punishments?

For years we have concentrated on the criminals and punishments like festivals, so lets re-look with a new perspective at least now.

Though the current system has CBI & Central Vigilance Commission and other anti-corruption initiatives with some strenuous laws in its armory, still it could not able to stop people from doing crimes.

So what does it really take to stop bribing?

A study conducted by Transparency International(2005) in India found that more than 15% of Indians had first-hand experience of paying bribes or influence peddling for getting jobs done in public offices successfully. It means it’s not only the politicians involving in corruption but also common people like you and me.

So I suppose that it has to have some fundamental reasons for corruption, when you see a quarter of your nation’s entire population involves in the crime.

Having thought all this, it sounds like “the mind over matter” thing.

Leave alone politicians, it’s for the entire human being that “the attitude is the driver, one steer my life through the lane which is bumpy and rough, now and then”.

When my driver is not equipped enough for the lane, then there is always a chance of meeting accident or opting for a wrong path towards the life.

It’s only attitude and values, which guides us to take decisions, to lead life better. It just controls our greediness to wealth, which comes in a wrong way. .

If I don’t know how well is being an honest person, then I won’t at all feel how bad is being a wrong person.

So if I lack a good attitude that is full of honesty, truth, unselfishness, etc., then it’s easy to become a union minister who sets the record straight in bribery.

I suppose that the attitude is the first and foremost root cause for the crime.

So what it takes all to becoming an owner of the attitude which tells me to bribe. This is sown in our mind since childhood, by our parents, neighbors, education and society.

Lets begin with our family.

'Corruption free society starts from a righteous home' –APJ.

I am damn sure that if only my parents care for attitude and values first rather than the degree at engineering or medicine, then it is very rare that I will go wrongly; no matter how bad is my condition.

And it’s very important for a father to be good role model for his child, as he is the first hero for anyone.

Now, To all the parents who want to stop corruption,

One of the most important things you can do is set a good example for your children. They learn from seeing how you treat them, overhearing your interactions with others and observing what you do in different situations throughout the day.

If you want your children to exhibit values like honesty, self-respect and compassion, then you need to show these qualities in yourself. All the teaching in the world can be undone if your children watch you behave in ways that contradict what you've said.

“Please teach us how to become a good human being who cares for integrity, love, peace, altruism – the attributes of a good leadership to drive a corrupt free nation because it’s you who shapes ultimately not only a Childs life but also this nation’s progress towards the excellence.

And it’s youngsters who has to make it sure that we start living towards a positive and inspired destination. It’s our responsibility to make sure first that our parents, brothers, friends are journeying in right path by being a good human being and citizen before criticizing the democracy and politics regularly, if we want to stop corruption.

It’s simple as that you obey traffic rules, even though there is no traffic police in the road signal if we want positive change in society.

Secondly we picture our childhood education,

Since it’s the early years of a child’s life which last a lifetime and these years globally acknowledged being the most critical years for life-long development. I read that a recent research in neuroscience has provided convincing evidence that

“Experience – based brain development in the early years sets neurological and biological pathways that affect health, learning and behavior throughout life.“ If these critical periods are not supported by a value education, then the chances of a child’s brain development to its full potential are irreversibly reduced which in turn leads to a lesser analyzing capacity of mind than he actually needs for a day today life. 

And this Childhood education is not only the right of every child, but will also impact on the quality of human capital available to a country, whose main asset in the years to come will be its “youth power”.

Let me put you the static’s straight away here.

Now it is India where 41.6 % of its population falls below the international poverty line. Given this situation, the probability of me being a poor father’s son is 40-60.

 If I find my parents inside this 41.6% population, I don’t even know if at all I can get my childhood education. But there is still a decent chance of getting my primary education, as we find the 80% of elementary schools run by government.

Having come from a village, I know very well what most of the government elementary school are capable of.

These schools don’t even have some necessary facilities that include restroom or even classroom. Teachers just come to school as if they want to escape from their family responsibilities for the day.

¾ of youngsters are just growing up without learning any values and attitudes, given that 59.2% Indian literate population suppose to study in these corporation schools.

And on the other part the private schools, do teach on numbers. They develop the capacity to memorize textbooks. Their only aim is set at IIT’s, and not about living life.

But the problem here is Majority of people don’t even realize that only degree or carrier isn’t life but it’s attitudes and values that matures me to handle the life.

Are we talking about patience, skill, care and creativity in our corporation school?  And if the answer is NO, then how can we expect them to become good leaders who could compete with the world’s best minds. In fact they could not even compete against themselves, ending up in crimes.

If I don’t learn about honesty and integrity things in my childhood life, then it will be difficult to even understand it as I become old.

And the rest 25% who are illiterate will do not only corruption but also all crimes that include religious riots.   

I beg to all those schoolteachers who want to stop corruption, please teach us how to live first rather than how to score marks so as to get a carrier. It’s really a shame only for you when you see your student doing crime not only in politics but also in police station, public offices, business, etc.

Given this kind of educational system, it’s absolutely rubbish to expect integrity in every corner of India.

I request here all the people who shout for anti corruption law, “please raise your hand for a better childhood education too, if you really care for the nation not for some heroism”.

Let’s look on to our society next.

The society, unfortunately all it cares is about currency and fame, no matter how excellent you are in attitudes, how superior you are in values!!

As long as I am earning like billionaire and faming like a cricketer, I have been allowed to earn certain respect for me in India. If I don’t posses this, I become unnoticeable, though I know how to love people in planet earth.

When the whole world is judging you with only your wealth and fame; tell me what would you do? 

Given this situation, it’s just a matter of my values to choose a short cut in order to conquer wealth just for the sake of this society’s recognition.

It’s just the society who successfully provoked me for bribing, as I haven’t learned in my life what integrity means? What honesty means?

Okay, what can we do here to make one beautiful face to this society in order to minimize its influence in my behaviors towards crime and wrongdoing? 

After all we are looking for solution. Isn’t it?

Look, who are all driving the society in India?

The list is full of cricketers, film stars, political leaders, spiritual Gurus and worlds Forbes’s list of billionaires.

Have you ever seen them, addressing public about Vision, unity, honesty etc., to their fans or supporters?

If only a cricketer or an actor talks about the children’s education, then even some illiterate parent will think about sending their child to school in India.

You can ask me why I am calling this on the national celebrities.

Firstly I do believe that they owe a lot thing to their followers and supporters for the immense love that they are being showed.

Secondly, most of the people give their ears only to these heroes but not even to their parents.

Given the fact that their stardom status is the one that drives our people madly, can’t these cricketers, spiritual heroes make a positive revolution in youngster’s life?

When you tell all those kids to be truthful and honesty, I bet these kids will at least ask their parents for the definition of those words, if not anything else.

It’s you writers, film directors, musicians who teach public everyday what human life and feeling is. But I fear we are filming more a kind of human ugliness, such as plotting murder, bank robber. But don’t forget that spreading positive thoughts about life are your responsibility too.

It’s agreeable to write about your expired love story and some college day’s sex. But it’s also your responsibility to write about how to become good leaders of future India, since you are respected by people.

So before calling for the politicians head, it’s us who has to make sure that we are building a happy home by being a good son and father, building a healthy society by being a right role model, building a stronger nation by being an honest citizen, building a peaceful world by being a lovable human being.

Let’s make it sure that the right changes comes from us first to stop not only corruption but also all hurtful things.

To all those parents, teachers, social activists, celebrities, media and common people of India,

Please teach us all the right values and attitudes to help me become a good human being first so that you will not be responsible for any of the crime I do. Until then, you are all sharing the crime for a greater percentage  that everyone has been doing.

I hope deeply that a good education and a right role model be it is my father or the society will root out not only corruption but also the poverty an violence, etc.,

It is a journey of stopping corruption that is DOWNSIDE-UP starting from me to the entire nation..                It starts with how everyone of us live our life.

with liability,

Murugapandiyan.Pon

P.S. this is my say @ corruption. i would love to hear your thoughts as well, as i am gonna meet my village's elementary school teachers to give the first shot for my thoughts to check if it could make any sense. All these thoughts were conceived between my mind and the heart whose only intention was to hurt nobody but to make some positive sense about life. Thanks for sharing my thoughts, not just reading!

HUMAN-the By-product.

I know for sure, that all of you are so big hearted not to hate me, if this stuff is really uninteresting.

It is about the added side of my life with the kind of people who are teaching me everyday “love every one, no matter what the shit happens”.

That was the second time I was visiting that particular customer for a Maintenance program even though he has clubbed with my competitor. He must be one of the biggest Printer, thus we are left to run behind him like a dog though my instinct doubted, would he even show us the cookies??!!

I met Mr.Machiner on that morning and closed in for a hand shake, thinking he remembers me. But I was asked "Who are you?" annoyed for a hand shake as if I had disturbed him in middle of a rocket discovery. I started to introduce myself with the same old slogan which I had repeated at least a hundred times since I was assigned to support the Customer. Meanwhile He called his supervisor to take over with me and went back to his rocket discovery.

The strategy here to make a relationship with customer is if you could make him feel a dump joke as interesting, then half the problem is solved. I wouldn't have tried this animatedly if I was hinted that he was goanna be the scoundrel!

My maintenance work started with a new machine, as the scenes were unfolding slowly. 

One of the problem here is I have to get introduce myself all the way from owner to supervisor to operator to cleaner, and the worst part in it is, I have to make them like me.

I came to the machine operator with the predetermined smile which I did very intentionally.

As if the operator doesn't like my smile he replied, “don’t waste my time, ".

I was wondering then, have I asked him for a political debate?  understanding that how much he loves us!!

The operator explained then in a professor style, “You guys are coming here only for ruining my machine”.  "Sir, (Worst word of respect) this is the first time we are doing this program on this machine and sure you will see the better results after this program" I said convincingly. He hesitantly permitted me to the machine as if he himself is the owner of the Komari Corp.

By afternoon I came to the third machine, Thank God the second machine went well without any cold fumes.  The third machine operator already with enough information of me from morning treated me as if I have blown down the other two machines. He determinedly not listened to the course of action I was telling and was at the peak of his egoism. He was second lecturer of the day.

During my college days, at least I was able to understand some words during the lectures whenever I gave my dreams a break. Though I sincerely wanted to listen here, I still neither understood his kannada nor his PhD. He stiffened his face further, and the cleaning started.

As per the policy, I behaved as if I knew nothing about printing. I was shaking my head very sincerely to show him that I became a student to him if not anything else.

All of a sudden there was a big flash in the operators face as if he had won against Alexander, The Great. He pointed me the drowned dust in the roller still persisting after cleaning. Damn it! All surrounded me, ready to fire me out. I knew that the cleaning is not expected to remove the paper particles which would be removed by not the chemicals but with some plain water (paper and gum particles are insoluble in oil!!). But they were ready not to listen to me. One guy told “Our experience is your age, how dare you teach us?”

I don’t know how the F*** is their experience had the Power to oppose the basic fact and knowledge that even a beginner in Printing would know.

I was wondering that whether this world needs any more PhD scholars for printing, while having this “experience” headed machine operators. But for me, at that time it was equal to getting as many as 5 PhD, if I would escape from them. 

Every time they argued with me, there were words came out very fast but got stuck at my throat, as my mind was remembering the slogan "customer is king and he is always right".                

After all the drained out words they parted me for a lunch break. I did not guess that this is just a premier of trailer and the main show is yet to start.

After lunch the supervisor called me to his cabin and said “You can leave now. All the machines you have touched are having some problem. I will tell my boss that all the machines went on well. Don’t give me anymore headache. I told myself, “though you guys gave me some fever, still blaming me that I give you headache.

To my surprise the owner entered the cabin ready to sue me. He already with all the news shouted at me “Get out of my factory. All the machines are under problem because of you. Don’t ever come again with your stupid things”.

He called out the security guys to send me out. 

He was so angry as if I had eloped with his daughter. Even if that was the situation he wouldn’t say his son in law to get out, for the condition that I was already owned by his daughter.

If am to stand there for another couple of minutes they would bundle me and thrown out as in Telugu movies (Owner is from AP). I went out of the work floor and waited in the reception. I couldn’t leave because I din wish to risk losing this customer as this is a long term project. 

I waited for an hour and went to meet the owner. As I started explaining, he said that he is not ready to listen to any rubbish story and that he would talk to my TL later.

I noticed that for the first time in life my hands not shivered all through the day which usually happens under these situations. The inner me told “Pandi, you are growing up man”.

“Growing up! I stood there boneless. I would rather prefer to work in my farm than to be here” .

The inner me replied, “But you were the one who wished for a job that handles humans, to involve in with different people and not with steel and iron. Now you got what you wished for. Shut up and live with this”.

This is not the situation I wished for, the people I wished for. One can survive here only if he is stupid enough to accept what they say, dump enough to hear all the yelling’s, this owner lives with the machine and he too had become another machine.

But the worst thing here is, though he is living with the humans for ages, still he could not able to understand a human being. Yeah, yeah it is okay to get angry when you have problem but you can’t simply screw up the living things for the sake of the currency papers and steel plated non living machines!!

All these operators were smiling at me as if I had been sentenced to death.

I still got no idea why he told me to get out when the fault is not on me and he din even give me a chance. There are more human values higher than the machines, money and business. 

Money making is important, as long as I am doing it without losing my human values. Because in the end it doesn’t even matter if you are a millionaire or beggar but have you lived your life as a Human Being?

I came out of the factory thinking that, talking with those paddy fields and coconut trees in my farm are far better than those machines and its siblings!!

My mind convinced me that this is the way by which you can build a stronger heart, though it knows people don’t bother about building greater hearts, as they don’t respect it anymore.


The big debate here: who is the By- product  - "man" or "money". 

with love,

murugapandiyan p                                      

                  

a solitary soldier

11.00 p.m- Ahmadabad-India.

  

Here I was, in a restaurant, with all the smiling faces around me but no one with me!!  

I was slowly being taught about one of the toughest time for human kind which is to be alone in an unknown place among unknown people of unknown language and longing for a companion to hang on while all others around were celebrating their time. And I was on it.

As I neither knew Hindi nor Guajarati, I had feared even to open my mouth. But some way I managed to buy my dinner, thanks to the picture in the menu card! 

Yeah!! My dosa was going tasteless by then, as I felt nausea not in my belly but in my heart!! I badly needed somebody to talk, as my heart was begging to bid a good bye to the loneliest day.

I started calling my dad, as my eyes were about to start raining due to the clouded heart. 

To the perfect coincidence, he was having dinner which meant that I had to manage myself not to share him what I needed to, as it might ruin not only his dinner but also his whole night.

Though I was trying to cut short my words to cover up my sad status, he still felt the sadness in his poor son’s voice which must have hurt him a lot. I bid good night not to burden his heart. But I still could not ease the pain in my heart. Probably I did not know how to express what I was felling right then, as I could not control my heart from stumbling.

I was just wondering about my whereabouts as I lost my way to the office guest house. I was also not sure about the way back to my guest house, but I started walking blindly like a river which flows on the way wherever the canal leads!! 

Given my languages and situations, I didn’t dare to talk even with an auto driver about the way which I had to prefer to reach the guest house. My mind was telling that I had to stop walking in that way and reach my guest house. 

But “Ahh! Who cares?” tells my heart frustrated by the solitary. I wondered that I could breathe normally if I stopped walking then.

I would depict the shivering cold as 'dew drops making love with air in the atmosphere if I was a poet, but it looked then everything was being overshadowed by the pain caused by the loneliness. In fact I felt in myself as if my body was a bit warm!!

Finally I had determined to wander there even if it led to a no man land, to reduce the loneliness cancer spreading in my heart. 

As i started walking on the road, nobody was seen there as if the road itself was suffering of what I had been through!! 

Slowly I started to share the special day with nobody but with me, as I jumped into the walking. Walking on the roads of “navarangpura”, I found me and the nature, two lonely riders of life.

Each second of that moment and day, my soul was dissolving solely in loneliness. This mental cancer was spreading through and growing in my heart.  Since the start of that day, I laughed at myself, cried with myself, fought with myself and now I even started sharing this with myself on this lonely road. The frustration was riding top on my mind. 

Yeah, it was the inimitable day which featured the pongal in Tamil nadu, the kite festival in Gujarat, the lohri in Haryana (I knew it from ashok who was all the way from haryana). A lot to celebrate in a single day but unfortunately I didn’t have a single person to celebrate with!

The off day is always a half day!! I got up in the noon and my room literally looked like a jail (even in jail sometimes you have a jail mate!!). I could not find anybody around there, as my roommate must had left for dating. Of course the house had a TV, only looked like making some noise as I didn’t know hindi. 

As minutes passed by, I felt strange by the loneliness that just started to suffocate me. All of sudden blankness was all around me. First time in my life I felt terrific pain in my heart even though majority of the time I had been felt this thing since my childhood. It actually told me the more you grow, the better and bad you feel about things. I could hear my heart telling that I was missing somebody.

Though I was trying listen to the bests of Enrique, still my heart was not at all ready to get satisfied with that.

God, I did not know the meaning of being all alone there. The loneliness started questioning about my being.  It was like why I have to feel all of this stuff right through my life?

Who is there for me?

Don’t I deserve any relationship to feel the love?

Don’t I have even a single person close to me to share myself?

Why I am doing this all alone??

Yeah obviously I had my mobile phone with me. But I could not pick up a single person to tell what I had been going through. My mind was telling me how disastrous my life is.

Leave alone about thinking for sharing these feelings!!  To be honest I hesitated to tell anybody (if I got anybody there at that time) that I had been suffering from this loneliness. Because I deeply feared that my people would definitely chuckle at me hearing this. 

I believed that it could not mean any difference to them, since it was not about any stardom but about a next door boy's poor story.

Suddenly I lost all the faith in me about this life. I did not dare to guess about where this life is goanna lead me. 

Unable to bear up with the thoughts, I came out of the room and stood in balcony to watch the kites. 

The colorful kites flying up so high to reach up the sky. Bright day with lot of cheerful spirits had added some colors to the kite festival. Children betting up each other on their kites. 

Pigeons, romancing each other around the corner of the building. In fact they were cuddling each other as if the next day is never gonna exist for them.

I started wondering why I (the so called six sense human being) could not make any love in this stage of my life, when this so called five sense pigeons could make a hell lot of love.

I was guessing where I had misread this life to end up this way. In fact what has made me to feel this lonely in my life?

 Why my heart is looking for some love from others rather than loving itself!!

I was wondering whether I was alone in this battle!! When is goanna over this lonely life which has started way back in my childhood days?

I could even remember the line said by mother Teresa "The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved".

I could not get any hint of answers for these questions. I went in my room and shut the door to get out of this thought. But i  was  actually moving closer to a lot of loneliness.

I thought spending time in a public place and enjoying the sunset would make me better. So I started out but to the worse it further made me worse like the pigeons. My stream of thoughts started to flow again instead of sighting the sunset.

It was looked like an unanswerable question that what to expect from my people. I did not know how to make them feel good about me. Because I had no idea what is the meaning for the word friendship, love, and support in my people's dictionary. 

 God, I wish I knew the meaning for all those said words.

But I was slowly told by mind that why would not it be this sixth sense is the answer for all the doubts I have?

Because If only this human being had not got this sixth sense which makes us think a lot unlike those pigeons,everybody would have found their love and support like those same pigeons.

It must be the sixth sense which drives this human being not to feel their fullest love, as we think that we can live even without the unconditional love but definitely not without some external meaningless things such as status, culture and some bloody own theories. I wondered whether god had created human alone or with the above said things which I feel as utterly against to this nature.

This extra sense doesn‘t allow us to empathy others, as we are standing in a comfortable place. I could not understand how come people could able to show a great love for the five sense animal such as "dog" but not to the fellow human being. 

This sixth sense only whispers us to let our loved ones suffering in loneliness, So that we can show them how busy we are in this life.

This senseless sense gives us the license to criticize anybody whom we don’t like, regardless of anything, as if we are just a perfect human being. I could not understand that why we are so concentrated on somebody's wrong behavior rather than their lovable good things. 

This idiotic sense only makes person to become so conservative in expressing feelings. Because only we think that what we are doing is always right, what culture we are following is always correct. We believe that whom we are admiring is always right in showing the path to our life. But what they are giving us is not necessarily be always right, I thought. 

Is it that bad to express your feelings to somebody and for somebody? Now if the culture’s answer is yes for this, then why the hell god has made people for each other here!!

Why my people are so hesitating in expressing their love. is not this sixth sense ruining us by making us doing so? How come my people still don’t understand each other even after 2 decades?

God, why couldn’t I find any feelings which are as raw as the nature?

God, the least question is why I didn’t take a birth like those pigeons at least to exchange some real love without any difference, any ego, and any status in mind!! 

Why did not I take a birth like those pigeons, so that I would have not had this fucking sixth sense which always thinks about this society which has nothing other than a stupid culture and its bullshit rules which are blindly followed by my people!!

Why did not I become those non living kites not to feel this loneliness in my life! 

It was the first time in my life I felt badly for being a human being.

How come we could lose all this basic human feelings for the sake of the way we are being driven and rules which were written by some coward animals?

I could remember following lyrics from the foreigner’s song: 

“In my life there's been heartache and pain
  I don't know if I can face it again
  Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
  To change this lonely life

  I wanna know what love is
  I want you to show me
  I wanna feel what love is
  I know you can show me”

I knew that thinking all these stuffs won’t make any difference in being here other than hurting me more.

But I didn’t’t know how to react and I was just trying to pass all those terrific seconds wishing i never had been born.

     The mind was losing the limit of bearing the pain any more by thinking of all those stuff. The mind was dying to remember all the struggled moments of my life lately as if I have not got enough pain at that moment. Time passed by towards dinner as my thought process racing out of my mind. Hunger joined hand with loneliness to torture me.

     With the terrible suffering, I just wanted to walk all through the night in the abandoned road which had been accompanied only by the mild winter. 

     Even though this whole lonely walk made me remember all the pain again and again, it still got me out to feel the real me and the reality. I have cried inside me many times before for living such a miserable life. But this one definitely seemed different. I just wanted to be the story of “INTO THE WILD” (movie by sean penn). It almost suits my story.

      As the time went by, this cool winter air and this loneliness walk just started soothing me somehow. But if I didn’t’t stop walking, then I might risk losing of auto rickshaws as the clock was about to embrace midnight. But as usual, smile was my reply to show the auto driver that I had understood of his talking, which was not actually the case. Often I told him the word MANIKBAUG (place where my guest house is) to stay in his conversation.

      Though the day left me with a lot of unanswered questions, still I got one answer from her. The answer is “it is my life”. No matter what, you have to live this life out. So better be prepared to do it with yourself by yourself than crying out in this deserted land where no one can hear you unless you are loved. 

 With love

 muruga.pon

P.S. This is me recording my moments into the notes here. If I am not wrong, I know i am not alone here battling this war. Having said this, I am always there to hear if you have any locked feelings to share. Thanks a lot for sharing mine one here, as I always believed that feelings are to be shared.  Thanks to my editor who is adding some extra life to my unlocked stories.